Jokes Are Good for Your Health
And your happiness.
And, sometimes, your brain.
JOKE
Jokes, like dreams, if grabbed soon after the experience, can much more readily be kept alive and in memory. Tonight was the joke show on
Prairie Home Companion, and if you don't know Prairie Home Companion, 'tis a shame, indeed. But let's see what I can remember after a bit of a doze from eating too much, an occupational hazard of the raw foods world and the Chris Elms mind, I've mentioned before.
Some bears come down from Canada into Minnesota, and they are a bit strange, sometimes very happy and charming and entertaining, and sometimes extremely unfriendly and savage. Bi-polar bears.
A bunch of thieves steal some Viagra and take off with it, hardened criminals.
A man goes into a party and spies a curvy and beautiful woman. He goes up to her, "I'm so glad you are here. What's your name?" "Carmen." "Carmen, that's a nice name? Did you always have that name?" "No, I gave it to myself for the two things I like best. I like cars. And I like men." She smiles at him. "And what's your name?" "Golftits."
Albert Einstein goes to heaven and St. Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but can you prove it?" So Einstein writes a bunch of formulas and St. Peter nods and lets him in. Then Picasso comes, and St. Peter again says, "You look like Picasso, but can you prove it?" So Picasso reproduces one painting after another, and St. Peter lets him in. The George W. Bush arrives ( a stretch, perhaps) and St. Peter says, "You have to prove who you are. Einstein showed he was Einstein, and Picasso showed he was Picasso." George W. Bush says, "Who's Einstein? Who's Picasso?" And St. Peter, satisfied, says, "Okay. You've proved it."
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic who was afraid that he was following people all the time?
And the cannibals, who tasting a clown they were stewing up, ask each other, "Does this taste a little funny?"
Now I'll go ask Marlie what she remembers.
The bra that says to the hat, "You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift."
A snail has an operation to removes its shell. Afterwards they ask it how it's feeling and it says, "Fine, but I'm feeling a little sluggish."
And now, trying to bring up a couple of more. Can't. Maybe they'll come in dreams.
Well, their website is a big help. Here are some I liked:
From tonight's joke show:Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House. That's the farthest anyone who wears a dress has gotten since J. Edgar Hoover.
Nancy Pelosi was visiting Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for her to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message.
There on my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control and Escape.
I'm having a problem with my computer. When I type in my password, all it shows are those little stars.
Right. Little asterisks. That's for your protection. So if someone were standing behind you, they couldn't see what your password is.
Okay, but they show up even when nobody is standing behind me.
The blond got a present from her boyfriend, a cell phone, and the next day, while she was shopping, the phone rang and it was him. He said, "How do you like your new cell phone?" She said, "I just love it, it fits in my purse, and your voice is so clear. But how did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
Two men took the test to qualify for a job and both men answered nine out of ten questions correctly, but they gave the job to the first man: he answered Question No. 10 "I don't know" and the other man answered it, "Neither do I."
I needed some time off from work so I decided to act crazy. I hung upside down from the ceiling and when the boss asked me what I was doing, I said, "I'm a light bulb." "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off." I left and my officemate followed me. The boss asked where she was going. She said, "I can't work in the dark." ---- Did I mention she was blonde?
What's the difference between "Congress" and the "Library of Congress"? n the Library of Congress you can't mess with the pages.
The minister raises his hands and says: "we are but dust..." The little girl turns to her mother and says, "mother, what is butt dust?"
If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't come to yours.
Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods and next door was a mansion on a hill with a golf course and tennis courts, and there lived the captain of the Titanic. "Why does he deserve better?" Bill said to God. "Because the Titanic only crashed once."
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really one.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE?! Did you say "change"?
Third Grade Jokes
Why did ancient Romans close down the Coliseum?
The lions were eating up the prophets.
Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?
Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
Religious:
Q: Why did the Unitarian cross the road?
A: To support the chicken in its search for its own path.
The children in the Unitarian church school were drawing pictures. One girl said, "I'm going to draw a picture of God." The teacher said, "But nobody knows what God looks like. "They will when I get done with my picture."
A woman went into a fabric store and asked the clerk for nine yards of material to make a nightgown. The clerk said, "Nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown." The woman said, "I know, but my husband is Unitarian and he would rather seek than find."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi challenged each other to a preaching contest. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and try to convert it. Two days later, they got together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery said, "Well, I read to him from the Catechism and then I sprinkled him with holy water and Holy Mary Mother of God he was gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob said, " Well I read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! And I took HOLD of him and wrestled him down to the creek. And I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED him and he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was in a body cast. The rabbi said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Others:
Q: What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blown-Apart!
The statistician lay with his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on the average he felt fine.
Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid? He said it was no problem -- he could stop any time.
Why did the urologist lose his license? He got in trouble with his peers.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
What did the Earth say after the Earth quake? ----Sorry, my fault.
How can a woman rid her apartment of cockroaches? ----Ask them for a commitment.
Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal?
It's called Raisins D'etre.
A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "I'm sorry we don't serve minors here"... So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Jewish mother sent a telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow…
An elderly Jewish man was brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Are you comfortable?" He replies, "I make a nice living...."
Chinese civilization goes back 4000 years and Jewish civilization goes back 5000 years. So what did those people eat for a thousand years?
These two I didn't hear, but are pretty good, which shows how easily I'll take my laughs:
A cop sees two kids parked in a car late Saturday night on the edge of town and he walks over with his flashlight and shines it in the window. The boy is listening to the radio and the girl is knitting a scarf. The cop says, "What are you doing here?" "Just listening to music and she's knitting." "How old are you?" The boy says, "I'm 22." The cop says, "And is she 18?" The boy says, "She will be in about fifteen minutes."
A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains and they're low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, "Is there food around here?" He says, "Well, I don't know, but I tell you, I wouldn't go that way ---- there's a big bacon tree over that hill." "A bacon tree?" "Yeah, so I wouldn't go that way."
The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them so they went over the hill and over the next hill and a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner except for the leader who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, "There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive."
The Norwegian said, Vait a minute. He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, "Oh, it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."
